Respond Versus React
A three step process to execute the difference
Responding vs. reacting
You know the difference already, I know you do. But here’s the technical definition anyway: responding is a calm, rational approach to any given problem and reacting to something usually results in a shit-show.
The work to be done here is in the application of this knowledge, not just knowing.
Because let’s be real, knowing a bunch of stuff and letting it sit inside your head doesn’t lead to the change you want. Raw change comes from raw work, not clever puns or pithy one-liners.
So let’s get real.
You’ve got issues. So do I. So do your family members, colleagues, favorite writers, teachers, and the models on Instagram. Many of these issues are rooted in lack of preparation and poor emotional control.
In fact, this is usually why knowledge has a bad habit of not translating to the real world: it takes emotional work and preparation to apply these lessons. Why? Because life isn’t a text book.
So what do we do about this? How do we become more responsive in the real world?
Three steps: We identify the problem areas, rehearse when things are calm, then we execute.
Some people are bound to think this is an oversimplified approach. Let them think what they’d like: a lightweight, adaptive approach is the most effective way to attack this issue.
So for those of us that need to improve ourselves in a hasty, effective manner, try this exercise.
And if nothing else, remember this: the seeds of growth are in the challenge.
Step #1 — Identify three regular problems
See them, feel them, and make them three-dimensional. Think about how you’d typically react if they happened now. Perhaps it’s your kids or partner interrupting your focus. Perhaps it’s traffic. Maybe it’s your boss, schedule or looking in the mirror.
One for me is when I sleep in — I feel a massive wave of being overwhelmed with things I’d have normally taken care of at 4AM. But since I slept in, now my focus is contending with emails, kids, day-job work, and texts. I sacrificed my sacred morning time for a few extra hours of sleep, now I’m thrown off, pissed, and reactive.
Identify your problem spots. Be brutally honest.
Now put yourself in that position as you’re reading this, while things are calm.
Step #2 — Rehearse the behavior
Now rehearse a better approach to how you’d deal with this problem.
If you’d usually project your anger onto a colleague or become passive aggressive, practice finding solutions to your problems rather than taking it out on some innocent bystander.
If you get pissy, rehearse in your mind how you could focus on the work at hand as a behavioral substitute.
If you’re in traffic, good. Find a podcast that aligns with your goals. If you’re getting into it with your spouse, good. Practice listening to what they’re saying, mirroring their language back to them to calm them (and yourself), and communicate clearer. Separate the problem from the person.
Rehearsing your response to stress is key. It undermines your habit of reacting.
It allows you to feel prepared and ready for when the problem arises — which it inevitably will. It’s the reason why members of the armed services practice breaching rooms, why successful business owners can manage chaos, and why effective parents can navigate tantrums.
Now it’s time to execute.
Step #3 — Execute, reflect & reengage
Execution is not a try it once and stop deal. It’s a process.
Execute what you rehearsed. It will either work, not work, or fall somewhere in the middle. Your job is to tweak your response until it becomes optimal. You are not seeking perfection.
Once you try out your substitution behavior, take the time later to reflect on how it went. A few minutes, maybe.
Maybe the podcast you tried sucks — try a business or comedy podcast instead of a personal growth one.
Maybe your husband/wife was confused when you tried mirroring their language — maybe you’ll get a better response if you get them to laugh.
Maybe you tried to think of your new fitness plan when you saw your body in the mirror but remained unsatisfied — remind yourself you’re doing what you can, and that’s a hell of a lot more than most do.
Good. You’re getting closer. Any time one of these attempts goes wrong you can decide to either improve it or try a new approach. Think campaign, not just tactics.
So long as the thing you’re trying to improve actually matters to you, forward is the only direction you should care about. Rehearse your revised approach and then reengage the problem area.
Don’t get stuck in overthinking, perfection, or fantasizing about how you wish things were different. They’re not…yet.
Put it into action
Prioritize and execute — that’s the name of the training game.
If you’re in the market for translating these words into real-world, gritty training, take a peek at the program we put together called Power 60. It’s a dense and dynamic 60-day program that filters these lessons through physical training, inspired by a decade of fitness expertise, masters level psychological training & military experience.
We believe hard work pays off, after all.
